In my life, one of the most challenging issues that I have personally had to deal with is my sexuality. From age six to this point, I have thought of it, though it did not truly come to light until puberty. The following outlines my thoughts of this painful subject, which it is very much for me.

One day when I was six, I was in the cafeteria with my best friend. We were talking, and then we talked about kissing (from what I recall). I then gave him a peck on his right cheek. His mother heard of it and was angry. She told me "Boys DONT kiss boys." I was not really affected by her statementand that would be the last time for the next seven years that I would think about anything intimate.

When I turned thirteen, I gradually began to realize that I was attracted to the looks of other guys. For three years I was able to repress it and put it off as a "hormonal offset." Until recently back then, I had a prejudice against gays and I thought that I "would rather die then be gay OR bisexual." However the feelings did not go away.

The attractions continued to increase. By January of 2000, (age 16) I finally admitted to myself that I was at least bisexual. I told two of my friends. Their reactions were that they were ok with it, as "long as I did not try to come on to them." I agreed. However, the next event that took place would cause a nervous breakdown.

I had a friend in one of my classes. We had a good relationshipwe spent time together and worked together on different projects. I soon found that I was having recurring thoughts of himincluding romantic ones. To my horror and utter disgust, I found that I was in love with him. I tried to shove the feelings out of my mind, but I couldnt. Then one day, while my heart was pounding with fear, I told him. He told me that he was ok with it. However, I found myself still being unable to cope effectively with my feelings. One night I called him up and became very emotional. His father, fearing for his sons safety, got on the phone and told me that if I did not get off he could "call the police." I was shocked, saddened, and angered by his threat. It took me until nearly the morning to get to sleep that night.

Then one night I could not handle it anymore. I was chatting with someone on ICQ chat and mentioned offhand that I was suicidalI was thinking of ingesting some Raid! poison (not a memory I particularly cherish). I hated myself for being bisexual, and just wanted it to all end. He called the police and I was taken to the hospital. I was diagnosed as being mentally unstable in terms of my coping mechanisms, and was institutionalized. After I came out of the hospital three days later, I had a better perspective on life. Upon further treatment from my therapist, I was more able to accept the fact that I was bisexual.

The next two years were pretty stable. I went through high school and then on to college. Then, though I was able to "put it aside" at the time, I started having a crush on one of my best friends. Then as a result of a "placed rumor" meant to root out someone in the school office that was spreading rumors, I heard he was married. Reflexivelytotally out of my controlI felt jealous. Then I realized: I was in love with him. He began to tutor me in spanish and I loved him even moreespecially one night in which a doctors appointment ran late, so I was half an hour late to the college. He left, thinking I was not coming. Then his friend got on her phone and told him I was there. He told me to go to the library. Halfway to his house, he did a U-Turn and came back to the college. In over ten years, not one person whom I called "friend" had ever been so self-sacrificial. As a resultI loved him even more.

Then just this past Tuesday, it was brought to my attention that the rumor that was going around was not true. I felt like I had been socked in the gut. From the statement that was made, it sounded like the office staff had played a joke on me. I felt outlandishly betrayed, especially by my best friend. Why would he do this to me?? I felt like Julius Caesar must have when Brutus, his best friend, stabbed him in Shakespeares Julius Caesar.

When the graduation ceremony that went on that evening was completed, I stayed around and told one of the office staff that I was very unhappy and greatly offended by this rumor. I then started to get my bike helmet and go home. Then I decided: Why not ask my best friend what was going on? So I started back. Then the boss and everyone else came out and told me the whole story. It was nighttime and we were sitting next to a lamppost. My friend happened to turn his face a certain way. When he did, I saw something that shocked me: He was crying. A tear had come out of his eye. I then saw that he was truly sorry and felt VERY BAD for blowing up at him as I did. I asked him if he wanted a hug. He did, and I gave him one. During that moment, I had feelings of intense empathy, compassion, and caring. I remember well my arms around him, my hands on his back, sharing his body heat (pardon the passionate description). It was then that I realized how much I loved him, and how in love with him I was.

The others had to leave for a moment, but he stayed behind. He told me that when he saw me react in anger, he had panicked and started crying. The office staff had rushed down the elevator to find me before I left. I told them not to worry about it, and went home.

That night I wrote him an e mail telling him how much I cared about him and how I would never intentionally hurt him. He wrote me back saying that he did not want to "lose my honest and clear friendship." That was when I almost passed out from shock: He called me a friend. As stated earlier, no one in over ten years had called me a friend. It was always me to them, but not them to me.

Now I contemplate telling him my feelings for him. I have already asked him how he would react if one of his friends told him he was gay. He said he would be ok with it. However, I did not ask him how he would react if one of his friends told him he was in love with him.

Since last Tuesday I have not had breakfast and have only had one to two meals a day. Unfortunately, in plain fact only, this is how this has affected me. I desperately dont want to lose this friendship. I am not worried about his reaction to me being possibly gay, but more so his reaction to me being in love with him. If he were to react in a negative emotional fashionI dont know what I would do. It would be as a sword stabbing my heart. LordI pray nothing will go wrong. :*-(

Well, on July 10, I told him. That day, I was extremely apprehensive. It was the first day of summer session. I could not focus on my first day of math, so fearful was I that he would reject me. Then the time came. An hour before, I told him that I had something to tell him. He attempted to get me to tell him then, but I firmly told him "no." Then the time came. I was so fearful and scared I thought I would pass out. Being the gentle, kind, and loving person he is, he put his hand on my arm and told me "Andrew, calm down, its ok. Just say it." Then I told him, "Emotionally speaking," Im gay." Then I told him how I was physically attracted to women, but not emotionally so. Then he said "Perhaps then you are bisexual?" Then I told him the next words that I was so fearful of. But before I said them, I told him "This is the sum of all fears for me. Please do not reject me because of this." Then I told him the momentous words: "I am in love with you." Then I turned away, with a great feeling of shame. After about thirty seconds or so, he said "Andrew, you can look at me. Nothing is going to change between us. But you know that nothing can happen between us right?" Naturally then, I felt a sting of sadness. But I said "Yes." Then we talked a little while longer. Then I asked him, "Have you ever been physically attracted to guys?" He laughed nervously and said, "Ill tell you my version of the story laterwe have a lot to talk about." We left it at that for the next 48 hours.

Then on this day (July 12), we were in the lounge adjacent to the office area in the ASO. I brought up his statement made two days before. He told me he had a difficult time opening up to people about this particular subject. I then told him that I had suspected what he was going to tell me. He told me to write it down. I wrote "That you are bi?" He wrote back "Not even that!" I then realized to my surprise that he is gay.

I brought up the fact that he always interacted physically with the female office staff. He responded "That doesnt mean anything." Needless to say, I did not concentrate much on my math that day (I was re taking a math class at the time), so distracted was I due to this new information.

Later on that night, I chatted with him online. Eventually, I would realize this to be a mistake. I brought up the possibility of us possibly expanding our relationship. However, he did not want to. I did not know what to think at the time. I have always been a person that put another persons needs before myself in terms of selflessnesswithout going to the extreme, of course. But here I was, in love with a wonderful man who emulated nearly all of my personality. That night, I did not go to sleep until past four in the morning. I cried fitfully.

The next day he and I talked. He made it clear that he did not want to get into an intimate relationship, not because he didnt like me but because he did not want to take the risk of disrupting our friendship. I understood, and agreed. Of course, my feelings for him remained. However, my acceptance of myself in this way had not taken hold. I began to slip into a depressive relapse.

My attention span began to dissipate in class. People began to notice my change in mood, and asked me what was wrong. Of course, I could not tell them. My friend also began to worry about me. One day, he and I talked after school. I told him how unhappy I was, and how while I was at my mothers at one point I considered throwing myself into the wheels of a passing Amtrak train (I was at the tracks near my mothers home because I love to watch trains). He insisted that I see the campus psychologist. I agreed.

That next Monday, I was quite fearful and I told him so. He reassured me that he would be beside me when I told her of my difficulty. Actually, what happened is that I asked him to go outside. Then the psychologist asked me, "Does this have to do with sexuality?" My jaw literally dropped. I asked her how she knew. She said the fact that I was so uncomfortable and the fact that I was with a male friend influenced her perception. Then I told her all of what is on here.

She thought for a few moments. Then we talked. What she told me was that while I have grown beyond my years in mature capacity in regards to mannerisms and civil maturity (people have always told me I "act too old for my age") I, like many like me, have not allowed this part to grow within me, because understandably I have so long been afraid of ridicule and condemnation. After this, I began to feel better. Since then, we have met on a fairly regular basis. Recently however, I have learned that we are limited to only six sessions.

However, I still had periods of depression resulting in crying spells. Another day, I was so angry and upset I did not want to go to my classes, but knew I had to, since one absence during summer session equalled one week in regular session. So I did, suffering through my classes. Again, my friend was worried about me and indicated that he would like me to come with him for lunch. So I did. I told him that I felt lonely and that I wanted to tell my father about me being gay, but was fearful how he would react, despite the fact that he is open minded. At this point, I could not hold in the pain anymore. Right there at the table (fortunately none of the people walking by noticed) I cried profusely. He put his hand on my arm and told me repeatedly "Its ok." Then when I finished, he told me that I was overreacting regarding my self-criticism. He also pointed out that telling my father is still a week and a half away, so why worry about it now? Just take it when it comes.

Another assistant in my journey of this self-discovery interestingly enough, has been my English 102 class. It is a literature class based on reading and reader response. The stories that we are reading ("The Awakening" by Kate Chopin, "Araby," "The Red Convertible") are all stories of love discovery, self-discovery, and epiphany. From these stories, especially "The Awakening," have helped me to realize that I dont have to go by what society says. I can just be myself. To surrender to societys stereotypes and discrimination is to deny oneselfto prevent the freedoms of a "thinking mind." I cannot live this way and be happy. I have hidden behind secrets and lies long enough. My own mother never found out how I was depressed back in eleventh grade about this, and only my cousin knows about my sexuality (though he doesnt know that Ive decided that I am completely romantically unattracted to women). The time has comethough it will be difficult for me...to stop hiding and reveal the truth about myself to those I love.

I told my dad on August 13^th. We were in the psychiatrists office. He left while I told the doctor about my sexuality, and that I wanted to tell my dad. And then my dad came in. I told him of my fears, and that I was "in love with someone. But the person is not of the opposite gender but of the same!" I could not hold it back anymore then. I started crying and sobbing forcefully. My dads reaction was immediate. He put my arms around me and told me, "Andrew, youre my son. Im proud of you." He gave me support when I needed it most. And I will never forget that.

Another significant area repressing my self-acceptance was my faith. I was brought up a Christian through my mother and sister. Though they themselves are not fundamentalists, I was around others who were when I was in the group home and foster home. In the Bible (at least the past edition) it says that "homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom of God" (1 Corinthians 6:9). In the old testament, it says that God commanded that "you shall not lie with a man as with a woman. It is an abomination" (Leviticus 18:22). Of course, the Old Testament, except the Ten Commandments, fell away after the coming of Christ. I thought about it a great deal, and have discovered that this is how God made me. A person I chatted with in the past challenged my beliefs, asking me how if "we as Christians cannot trust this passage, then how can we trust it as Gods word?" I told him simply that the Bible has been translated many times. In one version it says "abusers of themselves to mankind." In another it says "homosexuals." In another it says "practicing homosexuals."

I believe that man wrote the Bible from what God told them. And over time, going back to the "grapevine" theory, it has been interpreted in many ways. While the main fundamentals are the same (thou shalt not steal, kill, commit adultery, covet, etc.), other parts of it, including the part about homosexuality being wrong, cannot be taken at face value. Modern Jews often do not follow all of the traditions of their ancestors (the "unclean until evening" doctrine and other daily chores). They were not allowed pork because in the previous days before cooking on a fire became common, pork was contaminated with bacteria. Whether the same analogy applies to the scripture about gays, I dont know. But I do know that I know myself: I know that Im gay and I am not ashamed of it. It is one part of mea special part of me.

It is my opinion that those that condemn gays, such as Fred Phelps, Jerry Falwell, and others, do it not out of "love". I dont think they even know the meaning of the word. They do it out of hatred. One thing that I have heard over and over again, from my mother and various other people, is that those that point the finger at others often times say more about themselves then those they wish to characterize. Living ones life by hate is a losing battle: It will eventually consume and destroy you in some form during your life. But if one lives life by loving and accepting others, their lives will be greatly enriched by the same. As a friend recently told me, "whatever goes around comes around." This is who I am, and that is the final word of it. I know that God loves me and that others do too. And to me, that is all that matters.